True Story

I walked into the elevator of one of my hotels this morning and was joined by one of the construction workers. I pressed the top floor, he pressed the second. He then says:

"Is heaven on the top floor? Because I see an angel."

Really? Has that ever worked? Be honest, I won't judge.

America's Best Dance Crew Live

Have you ever been to an event/meeting/gathering where you didn't really fit in? Did it feel awkward, yet no one else, but the person you are with, noticed? That is basically the feeling I got going to see America's Best Dance Crew Live on Saturday night. Usually I wouldn't admit to going to such an event because, let's be honest, it's lame and you know you will immediately get made fun of. But since I have such a great sense of humor, I can rough this one out. Oh and let's throw Julia under the bus too because she commuted from Orange County to see it :)

Regardless, can we please talk about the people in attendance. Let's just say for those of you from San Diego, it was Mira Mesa meets Lemon Grove. If you aren't from here, shoot me a message and I'll fill you in. Needless to say, Julia and I stuck out like sore thumbs. We also sat in the back so no one would bother us, but low and behold two girls deemed it necessary to sit directly next to Julia because the three rows ahead and behind us that were completely empty apparently weren't sufficient.

The best part of the show is when the rap remix of the most mainstream songs came on and the 11 year old girl in front of us lost her shit. She acted like this was the high point of her life and started to have what looked like a seizure. I believe it was dancing but it was hard to tell. I thought her and her silver Dorothy shoes, leg warmers and teal leggings were the peak, but when Soulja Boy came on, her and the 30 something year old man across the aisle (she wasn't with him) busted out the dance like it was nobody's business. It was the most aggressive rendition of Soulja Boy I have ever encoutered. Julia and I were hypervenalating with laughter.

And if you haven't seen JBWKZ before - They are pretty entertaining and from San Diego, so, as you can imagine, the arena went ape shit over any performance they did. For those of you who aren't familiar with JBWKZ stands for Jabbawockeez; I am well versed in this nomanclature because I am now ABDC educated. Thank you Randy Jackson.

The Pharmacy

As some of you know I haven't been feeling to hot the past few days, so I caved and got some medicine to remedy the problem.  I went to the pharmacy to pick it up like normal and the pharmacist is explaining what the deal is.  Now let me set this up:

Me [tired from work, sleepy, need a nap]

Old Pharmacy Dude [old, wrinkly, awkward, white hair, 6'1", glasses won't look straight at me]

Now he does the explaining, I grab for the bag of goods and then he pauses and holds onto the bag.  He looks at me awkwardly and says:

"You know the deal when you take antibiotics, you should use another form of birth control within the next week."

I just stared at him blankly, said "I know.  It's common sense," and walked away awkwardly.  I wasn't sure if I should be offended or not because I've never been stopped like that.

But thank you old man for that reminder, now go home and tell your wife you did your good deed of the day for not bringing another adolescent into the world.

Dating

Dating in general is weird. You are sitting through a dinner/coffee/drinks/etc. with a stranger you don't know and trying to figure out if you can tolerate them in large time frames. What a freakin concept. What is more, is that you do it repeatedly - Probably torturing yourself more than you want - Just to find something that clicks. Did the knight in shining armor and prince charming give up? What ever happened to the fairytale playing out?

I know it won't, but its fun to dream, ain't it?

What's cool, on the other hand, is when it works. Not sure if it will in the long run or last until next week but if you have a good time/laugh/talk/etc. it makes for a good night (and good gossip for your girlfriends the next day). I think I forgot what it was like to date people - not exclusively or anything - but casually -it's fun. I say forgot and what I really mean is I never have; let's be honest, for those of you that know me I've always been in for the long haul and that hasn't happened in the better part of the past 3 years.

I'm picky sometimes, don't judge. Moving on.

So if it doesn't work out, you met someone that is rad and fun to hang out with or someone you want to delete from your life completely (which my luck would probably stalk me for months on end and/or propose to me and/or be completely dramatic and breakup with me even though we weren't dating to begin with [not that any of those things have ever happened to me....ahem....])

What's with the weather?

I don't know if anyone noticed, but its five million degrees outside.  Not four, five.  And apparently (I have just been informed) tomorrow it's going to be even hotter.  Anyway you look at it, it's still October and sweltering.  Usually September and October are our nicest months in San Diego, comfortable 75 and no humidity.

Thank you global warming.

It's 88 with no breeze on the coast and I can only imagine the damaging UV rays that are penetrating East County.  (I will have to consult with my East County friends that live on the other side of the 5).

Not even going to mention that it rained over the weekend....

A Series of Unfortunate Events

I must regretfully inform you all that during the four day bender in Lake Havasu over the weekend we lost a dear member of the drinking team. He is near and dear to us all and it was unfortunate he did not return with us. He is a traveller, loving, caring dude that loved to share with everyone and do what he can to entertain. I'm sorry to see him go and I hope you all will join me in his mourning.

To Flabongo!

We love you dude.

Flabongo, 10 months old, was last seen harassing some people in the Castleview Suite at the Agave Hotel in Lake Havasu City, AZ. He survived by his mother Christiane, aunt Kelsey, aunt Julia, aunt Tresa, aunt Lisa and other brothers and sisters. Donations for Flabongo's cause can be sent to 1615 Diamond Street, San Diego, CA 92109. Services will be held Saturday, September 20 at 7pm in Pacific Beach, California.

For more information on Flabongo and his brothers and sisters, please visit www.flabongo.com.

2008 MTV VMAs - Volume 2

The second half is not much better.  Let's be honest, MTV writers need to figure out new materials to feed their beloved reality show hosts - I know its hard for them to read what they wrote because they are used to being "real" but come on.

1.  What was with Mylie Cyrus' spaz out with Rockband.  Bon Jovi is like triple her age and I'm pretty sure she was stumbling over the words.  And aren't you supposed to be an actress?  What was that shitty rendition you gave us?

2.  Linkin Park.  For those of you who know me, know I have a severe obsession with Linkin Park, but they won an award for the most lame, any band could sing, boring song on their newest album.  Not to mention they won Best Rock Video - That song is a ballad, let's pick one that at least involves the word fuck or something.

3.  SlipKnot.  Whomever thought it was a great idea to put McLovin in a SlipKnot mask and dance around wasted - I commend you.  

4.  Just because Rhianna was a major winner last year doesn't mean she should perform twice.  I mean she did a good job and all, but I would rather like to see Britney embarrass herself, maybe have a wardrobe malfunction or watch Paris get confused (oh wait, that did happen).

5.  Jonas Brothers.  I still don't know what you sing.

6.  Tokio Hotel.  Winner of the Best New Artist award.  Who are you guys?  And are you guys? Girls? Is that hair real?  Is that a lisp or lack of tongue?  And what do you sing?  You are definitely up there with the Jonas Brothers.

7.  Another big win for Brit-Brit.  But didn't you just thank all those people about 2 hours ago?

8.  And another win for Britney.  What are the odds they are trying to give her a come back?  I mean something like 18 nominations and only 3 wins - riiiiiight.  

9.  Russell Brand.  Hmmmm. Well....hmmm.   Go back to the UK.  Fact:  Perez Hilton just called him a sex addict.

Thank god its over.  It was quite possibly one of the worst showings thus far.  I can't wait for 2009.

2008 MTV VMAs - Volume 1

Where do I even start?  Am I getting older and less appreciative or is MTV losing steam when it comes to preparing for these things?  Granted at this point I am only 45 minutes in, but I already have my fair share of criticisms.

1.  All this hype about Brit-Brit opening and the only thing we get is a quick hello, thank you for showing up, here is Rhianna.  Nice job - you can read a teleprompter and show up on time.  Where is your performance? Just cause you sucked ass last year doesn't mean you can't come back and give us something to talk about.  Crap.  Btw, congrats Brit, after 5 million nominations you finally won one for your crappiest album.

2.  Russell Brand.  Congrats to you for being randomly found at a random comedy club in LA.  You not only caught everyone off-guard for no one knowing who you are, but you also insult the Republican party out right.  I'm sure no one in the music industry is Republican or care about you after this show.

3.  The Jonas Brothers.  I still have no idea what they sing, even when I hear it.  

4.  Michael Phelps.  You may have won 8 medals in the Olympics this year, but seriously, let's take a public speaking class.  

5.  Speidi.  You still get air time to talk about nothing.  How does this happen?

6.  Props to whomever thought it was a great idea to put Travis Barker and DJ AM in the corner to spin and play back-up for the random side shows.  You guys are probably the best part of the show.

      6a.  If you didn't catch them, look harder.  I know its tough because MTV spent a lot of money putting the stage together, but if you look on the far left you may see them behind all the other random crappy stage bearings.

7.  Lil Wayne & T-Pain performance.  Probably the highlight so far, not because they did an off the wall job, but they made you giggle, you spent a majority of the performance trying to figure out how Leona Lewis fits in, and if you noticed the flash to Kobe - he was having the best time in the entire theatre.

If the second half is as awesome as the first half, I may not have a follow up rant because I'll be asleep in the next five.

YouTube

They really allow you to laugh hysterically (at any given time) at others' expenses.

Stripper Pole Dance

That is all

Team Alan

There is nothing funnier than telling a funny story. I hope I can do this one justice because if you could hear Alan tell it, you would be rolling. So I'm going to tell the story from his perspective.

Ahem - Deeper man voice - Wearing a collared shirt & shorts
"So I'm driving down the street totally rocking out in my car to music. I'm singing along really loud with my window down just enjoying the day. I'm at a light just jamming and I look over at the car next to me. There are a bunch of kids in the car staring at me and one pulls out a megaphone and says:

"Stop singing, fag!"

Sly Dial

I've been meaning to mention this because it is up there with blocking your phone number when you call numbers you don't know that have called you.



SlyDial [267-SLYDIAL (267-759-3425)] is an amazing feature you can use to call someone and have it directly go to their voicemail. Why would you want to do this? Why not?

It's like that time when your Sunday Funday got a little out of control and you don't want to go to work on Monday morning, yet you don't want to talk to your boss about it either because s/he knows you are aren't "sick". If you go straight to voicemail, you don't have to plead your case.

Or if you just remembered you want to blow someone off (which none of you do I'm sure) and you don't want to have the conversation with them and explain why you are full of shit, just get the voicemail and their is no awkward conversation about why you can't come over for Aunt Edna's 104th birthday party.

A good one (don't tell your parents I said this) is to call and leave a message for the mom or dad to say hi. It's because really you don't want to hear the stories like the one about Susie's uncle - you remember him? He was the guy that we saw at Albertson's that one time when you were 6. Remember? He was wearing that purple shirt talking to your friend Sam's mom about how he loves golfing and working for the sandwich shop on the corner. You know the sandwich shop I'm talking about, it's your favorite, you always get the.... {Meanwhile you have put it on mute to watch the game, I usually do this to my Aunt, but a really funny thing is to say your parents want to talk to them because they usually panic just as much as you do}

Lastly, which I'm sure all you people that do inappropriate things when drinking would love, is to use SlyDial when you can't remember if you were an asshole the night before and/or you were out with someone you have a crush on/dating and you know you were annoying/too drunk/mean/etc. You can always call and apologize without having to have confrontation. God knows you don't want to hear about how you were a pain in the ass because you already looked at your recent call log and incoming/outgoing texts - you have a rough idea already.

Use it. Just not on me.

Fark

Ladies & Gentlemen,

It has been brought to my attention that I should share this wonderful site with you because it is effing hilarious. It really brings to light how dumb our society is. Fark.com

For instance, Dumbass Inmate. I understand the family is upset about their out-of-line son who got locked up in Clark County and passed last year. I'm not speaking ill of the dead so don't harp on my insensitivity yet. But let's be honest, can we not sue the county because your son committed suicide by swallowing a toothbrush and a burrito whole? I mean first off, why would you swallow a toothbrush, nobody does that. Dogs don't even do that. Secondly, why would you swallow a burrito whole. Savour that shit, most inmates get bread and water, that's it, and you have to go and be selfish and not only waste a burrito but not even enjoy it. Crap if you ask me.

If we do notice too, the dude was found with lock jaw. Now that's quite the feat for us San Diegans because we know serious burritos, but this story takes place in the Midwest (Kentucky/Indiana ish), let's be honest, there are no serious burrito places there. This was probably a sausage burrito from McDonalds and he is being overdramatic. I can put on of those suckers down in 30 seconds with nothing but a smile on my face. I'm just saying....

ManFriend

I would like to introduce the concept of ManFriend.

My father figures since our generation doesn't really specify whether or not we are dating exclusively, sleeping together, seeing others but dating you too, or just out right being whores - he just doesn't ask anymore about our relationships. He says we are "Complicated."

So when sibling that will remain nameless (ahem, siiiiister), brought home a guy to hang out one weekend, my father created the term "ManFriend." It's fitting without being specific.

I believe ManFriend is beginning to get used to the term because he did not like before at all. I know he is embracing it because apparently ManFriend now answers the telephone at my house - IN MONTEREY (which is where nameless sibling lives) - and says this is ManFriend, when I sound confused.

I would also like to point out nameless sibling is not there - actually no one is really. This "complicated" thing nameless sibling has doesn't seem some "complicated" after this incident.

So this is me putting you on blast ManFriend. It's only the beginning....

You know today's going to be great

You know today's going to be a good day when the first text of the morning states:

"I really want to call my assistant a cock guzzling thundercunt right now."

Rules of MySpace/Facebook Searching (Stalking)

There are ways to go about looking people up and there are just things you shouldn't do because you are insane and it's not normal.  As I am writing this, don't think you are exempt from the rule because you are casually starting by looking at my blog and moving on to see who reads it, what they do, etc.  Don't act like you are not.

1.  It's okay to look people up, see what they do, where they are from, if they have fun pictures, etc.  It's kinda creepy when you copy the photos and save them to your desktop because you want to "show" someone.

2.  If you are a guy/girl looking at other girl/guy profile and you think they are good looking, but don't know them, don't write them telling them you cream yourself every time you seen them, they look ravishing in every color especially purple, or we should date sometime I'll meet you at the middle school across the street from your house.  It's not normal much less acceptable.  Go to match.com.

3.  If you are of the older generation variety, don't try to befriend everyone under 25.  It's effing weird and no we will not be meeting for drinks.  And no I don't know where your heart monitor is.

4.  If you don't trust your boyfriend/girlfriend that badly, talk to them about what's going on.  Don't make a fake MySpace/Facebook profile and continuously flirt with them to see if they will cheat on  you by meeting up with this random whore bag.  

4a.  If s/he does, send them a STD e-card as a joke, then it won't be so funny.

5.  Lastly, if you are a friend of a friend and you are trying to see someone they are interested in/have been talking about and you are in no way associated with the desired person, don't ask to be their friend on a whim because you want to see their private profile more and what they are like.  Odds are good we can tell where we have mutual friends and if its only that one person - bada bing - we know you were talking about us and spying.  I just thought that was common sense.

I hope tutorial helps you not be so retarded.  If not, I'm sure I can figure out a way to help you out and I'm sure it starts with a swift kick in the ass.

Reason #98345027354...

...why I will not find a boyfriend in this great area of Pacific Beach - maybe not so much find a boyfriend, just not want one.  

I'm walking along the bay with Cousin and a car of dudes drives by yelling "woo woo" followed by a orgasm making noise by one of them.

I look and low and behold this classy dude is faking jerking himself up out the window.

Yep - Speechless

E-Cards

Now most people send e-cards when they forget a birthday or they don't feel like getting the person anything but want to send a nice gesture.  To my surprise, e-cards have stepped it up a notch and gone to a new level.

STD e-cards.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, if you happen to contract a STD of some sort, NO WORRIES!, you can just go online and register an e-card to shoot over to your slampiece/significant other and let them know you have syphillis and congratulations, they do too!  It's a lot of excitement for one little e-card. 

The companies selling point for these also is that you can send them to multiple people, just to a.) reiterate for all you socialites that you look like a slut bag if you have to send multiple, and b.) congrats to said slut bag because you just ruined a few people's days.

In the event you would like to use this service, check out - InSpot and I apologize for insulting you in advance.

To Those That Need More Than We Can Afford...

People kill me.  

Respect is something that is earned and not entitled.  What kills me is the fact that some people assume that you owe them the world, but at the end of the day, what have they ever done for you?  Have they ever thought twice about how they have treated you or thought of your friendship/relationship?  Odds are good the answer is no.

Most people expect you to go out of your way for them.  Why is that?  What did they do for you for you to do whatever it takes?  Is there some fine print that I missed?  Granted I have been burned my fair share, and at this point in my life, I've come to the conclusion it's time to start admitting it.  Besides, at the end of the day, who ends up on top - it's you.

I know I have had my moments where I can be a pretentious asshole.  It happens, but realistically, I know when I have and I know when to admit it.  I won't continuously abuse the situation and make someone feel out of character or take advantage of them.

I guess what I am trying to communicate is that, at the end of the day, those of you who are too preoccupied with yourselves will never come out on top.  You will probably sit at home and wonder where all the considerate people went and why you are no longer friends with them.  And for that, I don't feel sorry for you.  If you can't pull your head out of your ass, I guess that makes you the asshole.

To all my friends that have stood by me since the beginning, I love you and will always.  To those of you I don't know as well, forgive me because I have my moments.  And to those of you who treat me like shit, good luck because this is a done deal and I've washed my hands of you.  I wish you well.

Hope that was all my deep insight because I'm starting to stress myself out :)

Note to Self...

Vons checkout guy is not impressed when you take your orange juice out of the cart and throw it on the floor where it explodes everywhere causing him to shut down his lane.  He is also not a fan of you apologizing and asking if its ok if you go get another one.  Apparently that is not the proper procedure.

Granted, I don't think this is the proper procedure - making the young bag boy continue to bag while the older mildly mentally impaired man clean up the mess - but who am I to judge?

The Story of Tiina

I know those of you close to me know this story in its entirety already, but it's always worth a good laugh to revisit it because, let's be honest, this shit is straight out of a tv show.

I was visiting the ex-bf in Huntington Beach (let's deem him HB) about a month or two ago with Julia because we all haven't seen each other in a while.  We went out with his roommates and friends that night and had entirely too much fun.  We came back and stayed at HB's house because it was closest and Julia and I were in no condition to drive.

HB and I have a weird relationship (always have) and so we have the tendency to act like we are dating when we hang out, even though we aren't. [side note:  this only happens when we are both single]  Regardless, Julia set up shop for sleeping in the living room and I went with HB to his room.  Now we got a little bit frisky but nothing happened because we were both piss drunk and passed out sans clothing (it was hot, what?)

So I wake up at 5am that night and realize he isn't there next to me.  Granted it didn't occur to me to think where he might be, instead I figure I should get dressed and check my cell phone.  Glad I did because I had a hilarious text message that said the following:  "Stay away from HB, next time I won't be so nice.  Get your fat ass up now and leave whore" - Sent from his phone.

I start giggling and immediately go over to Julia - mind you who wakes up and says what's up like it was the most normal thing to occur on a Sunday morning at 5am - and show her.  We both laugh and she mentions that she heard HB's brother and girlfriend fighting last night but wouldn't know why I would have this text or where HB may be.

After sleeping off a relatively decent hangover, we get up with HB's roommates and he is still no where to be found.  Julia ask roommate if HB has a girlfriend that he didn't tell us about and he says no - so we tell him the situation and this is what happened really....

Apparently HB made the mistake of hooking up with younger sister's friend a few times.  She then became obsessed with HB, regardless of how dumb they all thought she was/is.  Since they all thought she was crazy, they wouldn't invite her over anymore nor let her come through the front door, she had to enter through the back gate if she did.  The roommates hated her, but HB was nice because he knew she was crazy.

Her name is TIINA by the way, that's two II's, not a typo for the record, pronounced Tina but looks like Tuh-ee-na.  So I guess Tiina likes to let herself in through the back gate via climbing cinder blocks (she purchased herself) that she strategically placed outside the gate so she can reach over and undo the latch.  She then proceeds to let herself in through the sliding glass door - which leads to his room.

If we now remember I am in said room with HB - needless to say, Tiina was not happy camper.  She flips out on him and he can only respond with "Shhh, quiet we don't want to wake Christiane.  Let's go in the other room."  She doesn't like that one bit and tries to attack me in my sleep.  I don't hear any of this.  I'm sad I didn't wake up because I could have laughed a lot, damn Jack and Diet.  He pushes her into the hallway where is screaming uncontrollably, where he says "shhh let's go outside so we don't wake my roommates or Julia".  Tiina doesn't like that Julia is there either as if you didn't know that was coming.

End all, HB leaves with her so she doesn't get the police called on their house.

Don't worry we all gave him a world of shit for this maneuver.

She came back the next day to check and make sure we were gone, we weren't.  I can only imagine how that convo went.

I forgot to mention she is from the 909 - Ghetto