Team Alan

There is nothing funnier than telling a funny story. I hope I can do this one justice because if you could hear Alan tell it, you would be rolling. So I'm going to tell the story from his perspective.

Ahem - Deeper man voice - Wearing a collared shirt & shorts
"So I'm driving down the street totally rocking out in my car to music. I'm singing along really loud with my window down just enjoying the day. I'm at a light just jamming and I look over at the car next to me. There are a bunch of kids in the car staring at me and one pulls out a megaphone and says:

"Stop singing, fag!"

Sly Dial

I've been meaning to mention this because it is up there with blocking your phone number when you call numbers you don't know that have called you.



SlyDial [267-SLYDIAL (267-759-3425)] is an amazing feature you can use to call someone and have it directly go to their voicemail. Why would you want to do this? Why not?

It's like that time when your Sunday Funday got a little out of control and you don't want to go to work on Monday morning, yet you don't want to talk to your boss about it either because s/he knows you are aren't "sick". If you go straight to voicemail, you don't have to plead your case.

Or if you just remembered you want to blow someone off (which none of you do I'm sure) and you don't want to have the conversation with them and explain why you are full of shit, just get the voicemail and their is no awkward conversation about why you can't come over for Aunt Edna's 104th birthday party.

A good one (don't tell your parents I said this) is to call and leave a message for the mom or dad to say hi. It's because really you don't want to hear the stories like the one about Susie's uncle - you remember him? He was the guy that we saw at Albertson's that one time when you were 6. Remember? He was wearing that purple shirt talking to your friend Sam's mom about how he loves golfing and working for the sandwich shop on the corner. You know the sandwich shop I'm talking about, it's your favorite, you always get the.... {Meanwhile you have put it on mute to watch the game, I usually do this to my Aunt, but a really funny thing is to say your parents want to talk to them because they usually panic just as much as you do}

Lastly, which I'm sure all you people that do inappropriate things when drinking would love, is to use SlyDial when you can't remember if you were an asshole the night before and/or you were out with someone you have a crush on/dating and you know you were annoying/too drunk/mean/etc. You can always call and apologize without having to have confrontation. God knows you don't want to hear about how you were a pain in the ass because you already looked at your recent call log and incoming/outgoing texts - you have a rough idea already.

Use it. Just not on me.

Fark

Ladies & Gentlemen,

It has been brought to my attention that I should share this wonderful site with you because it is effing hilarious. It really brings to light how dumb our society is. Fark.com

For instance, Dumbass Inmate. I understand the family is upset about their out-of-line son who got locked up in Clark County and passed last year. I'm not speaking ill of the dead so don't harp on my insensitivity yet. But let's be honest, can we not sue the county because your son committed suicide by swallowing a toothbrush and a burrito whole? I mean first off, why would you swallow a toothbrush, nobody does that. Dogs don't even do that. Secondly, why would you swallow a burrito whole. Savour that shit, most inmates get bread and water, that's it, and you have to go and be selfish and not only waste a burrito but not even enjoy it. Crap if you ask me.

If we do notice too, the dude was found with lock jaw. Now that's quite the feat for us San Diegans because we know serious burritos, but this story takes place in the Midwest (Kentucky/Indiana ish), let's be honest, there are no serious burrito places there. This was probably a sausage burrito from McDonalds and he is being overdramatic. I can put on of those suckers down in 30 seconds with nothing but a smile on my face. I'm just saying....

ManFriend

I would like to introduce the concept of ManFriend.

My father figures since our generation doesn't really specify whether or not we are dating exclusively, sleeping together, seeing others but dating you too, or just out right being whores - he just doesn't ask anymore about our relationships. He says we are "Complicated."

So when sibling that will remain nameless (ahem, siiiiister), brought home a guy to hang out one weekend, my father created the term "ManFriend." It's fitting without being specific.

I believe ManFriend is beginning to get used to the term because he did not like before at all. I know he is embracing it because apparently ManFriend now answers the telephone at my house - IN MONTEREY (which is where nameless sibling lives) - and says this is ManFriend, when I sound confused.

I would also like to point out nameless sibling is not there - actually no one is really. This "complicated" thing nameless sibling has doesn't seem some "complicated" after this incident.

So this is me putting you on blast ManFriend. It's only the beginning....

You know today's going to be great

You know today's going to be a good day when the first text of the morning states:

"I really want to call my assistant a cock guzzling thundercunt right now."

Rules of MySpace/Facebook Searching (Stalking)

There are ways to go about looking people up and there are just things you shouldn't do because you are insane and it's not normal.  As I am writing this, don't think you are exempt from the rule because you are casually starting by looking at my blog and moving on to see who reads it, what they do, etc.  Don't act like you are not.

1.  It's okay to look people up, see what they do, where they are from, if they have fun pictures, etc.  It's kinda creepy when you copy the photos and save them to your desktop because you want to "show" someone.

2.  If you are a guy/girl looking at other girl/guy profile and you think they are good looking, but don't know them, don't write them telling them you cream yourself every time you seen them, they look ravishing in every color especially purple, or we should date sometime I'll meet you at the middle school across the street from your house.  It's not normal much less acceptable.  Go to match.com.

3.  If you are of the older generation variety, don't try to befriend everyone under 25.  It's effing weird and no we will not be meeting for drinks.  And no I don't know where your heart monitor is.

4.  If you don't trust your boyfriend/girlfriend that badly, talk to them about what's going on.  Don't make a fake MySpace/Facebook profile and continuously flirt with them to see if they will cheat on  you by meeting up with this random whore bag.  

4a.  If s/he does, send them a STD e-card as a joke, then it won't be so funny.

5.  Lastly, if you are a friend of a friend and you are trying to see someone they are interested in/have been talking about and you are in no way associated with the desired person, don't ask to be their friend on a whim because you want to see their private profile more and what they are like.  Odds are good we can tell where we have mutual friends and if its only that one person - bada bing - we know you were talking about us and spying.  I just thought that was common sense.

I hope tutorial helps you not be so retarded.  If not, I'm sure I can figure out a way to help you out and I'm sure it starts with a swift kick in the ass.

Reason #98345027354...

...why I will not find a boyfriend in this great area of Pacific Beach - maybe not so much find a boyfriend, just not want one.  

I'm walking along the bay with Cousin and a car of dudes drives by yelling "woo woo" followed by a orgasm making noise by one of them.

I look and low and behold this classy dude is faking jerking himself up out the window.

Yep - Speechless

E-Cards

Now most people send e-cards when they forget a birthday or they don't feel like getting the person anything but want to send a nice gesture.  To my surprise, e-cards have stepped it up a notch and gone to a new level.

STD e-cards.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, if you happen to contract a STD of some sort, NO WORRIES!, you can just go online and register an e-card to shoot over to your slampiece/significant other and let them know you have syphillis and congratulations, they do too!  It's a lot of excitement for one little e-card. 

The companies selling point for these also is that you can send them to multiple people, just to a.) reiterate for all you socialites that you look like a slut bag if you have to send multiple, and b.) congrats to said slut bag because you just ruined a few people's days.

In the event you would like to use this service, check out - InSpot and I apologize for insulting you in advance.

To Those That Need More Than We Can Afford...

People kill me.  

Respect is something that is earned and not entitled.  What kills me is the fact that some people assume that you owe them the world, but at the end of the day, what have they ever done for you?  Have they ever thought twice about how they have treated you or thought of your friendship/relationship?  Odds are good the answer is no.

Most people expect you to go out of your way for them.  Why is that?  What did they do for you for you to do whatever it takes?  Is there some fine print that I missed?  Granted I have been burned my fair share, and at this point in my life, I've come to the conclusion it's time to start admitting it.  Besides, at the end of the day, who ends up on top - it's you.

I know I have had my moments where I can be a pretentious asshole.  It happens, but realistically, I know when I have and I know when to admit it.  I won't continuously abuse the situation and make someone feel out of character or take advantage of them.

I guess what I am trying to communicate is that, at the end of the day, those of you who are too preoccupied with yourselves will never come out on top.  You will probably sit at home and wonder where all the considerate people went and why you are no longer friends with them.  And for that, I don't feel sorry for you.  If you can't pull your head out of your ass, I guess that makes you the asshole.

To all my friends that have stood by me since the beginning, I love you and will always.  To those of you I don't know as well, forgive me because I have my moments.  And to those of you who treat me like shit, good luck because this is a done deal and I've washed my hands of you.  I wish you well.

Hope that was all my deep insight because I'm starting to stress myself out :)

Note to Self...

Vons checkout guy is not impressed when you take your orange juice out of the cart and throw it on the floor where it explodes everywhere causing him to shut down his lane.  He is also not a fan of you apologizing and asking if its ok if you go get another one.  Apparently that is not the proper procedure.

Granted, I don't think this is the proper procedure - making the young bag boy continue to bag while the older mildly mentally impaired man clean up the mess - but who am I to judge?

The Story of Tiina

I know those of you close to me know this story in its entirety already, but it's always worth a good laugh to revisit it because, let's be honest, this shit is straight out of a tv show.

I was visiting the ex-bf in Huntington Beach (let's deem him HB) about a month or two ago with Julia because we all haven't seen each other in a while.  We went out with his roommates and friends that night and had entirely too much fun.  We came back and stayed at HB's house because it was closest and Julia and I were in no condition to drive.

HB and I have a weird relationship (always have) and so we have the tendency to act like we are dating when we hang out, even though we aren't. [side note:  this only happens when we are both single]  Regardless, Julia set up shop for sleeping in the living room and I went with HB to his room.  Now we got a little bit frisky but nothing happened because we were both piss drunk and passed out sans clothing (it was hot, what?)

So I wake up at 5am that night and realize he isn't there next to me.  Granted it didn't occur to me to think where he might be, instead I figure I should get dressed and check my cell phone.  Glad I did because I had a hilarious text message that said the following:  "Stay away from HB, next time I won't be so nice.  Get your fat ass up now and leave whore" - Sent from his phone.

I start giggling and immediately go over to Julia - mind you who wakes up and says what's up like it was the most normal thing to occur on a Sunday morning at 5am - and show her.  We both laugh and she mentions that she heard HB's brother and girlfriend fighting last night but wouldn't know why I would have this text or where HB may be.

After sleeping off a relatively decent hangover, we get up with HB's roommates and he is still no where to be found.  Julia ask roommate if HB has a girlfriend that he didn't tell us about and he says no - so we tell him the situation and this is what happened really....

Apparently HB made the mistake of hooking up with younger sister's friend a few times.  She then became obsessed with HB, regardless of how dumb they all thought she was/is.  Since they all thought she was crazy, they wouldn't invite her over anymore nor let her come through the front door, she had to enter through the back gate if she did.  The roommates hated her, but HB was nice because he knew she was crazy.

Her name is TIINA by the way, that's two II's, not a typo for the record, pronounced Tina but looks like Tuh-ee-na.  So I guess Tiina likes to let herself in through the back gate via climbing cinder blocks (she purchased herself) that she strategically placed outside the gate so she can reach over and undo the latch.  She then proceeds to let herself in through the sliding glass door - which leads to his room.

If we now remember I am in said room with HB - needless to say, Tiina was not happy camper.  She flips out on him and he can only respond with "Shhh, quiet we don't want to wake Christiane.  Let's go in the other room."  She doesn't like that one bit and tries to attack me in my sleep.  I don't hear any of this.  I'm sad I didn't wake up because I could have laughed a lot, damn Jack and Diet.  He pushes her into the hallway where is screaming uncontrollably, where he says "shhh let's go outside so we don't wake my roommates or Julia".  Tiina doesn't like that Julia is there either as if you didn't know that was coming.

End all, HB leaves with her so she doesn't get the police called on their house.

Don't worry we all gave him a world of shit for this maneuver.

She came back the next day to check and make sure we were gone, we weren't.  I can only imagine how that convo went.

I forgot to mention she is from the 909 - Ghetto

A Few Things

Since I decided to return to writing about pointless shit that you people love to read because you have nothing better to do (just admit it); I have been thinking about things to bring up, but I stopped after listening to the radio today because they gave me some ammunition.

1.  The new stamps released in April.  I don't know if any of you heard this, but the production of the stamps with the American Flag is wrong.  The flag has 14 stripes instead of 13.  Last time I checked, there were 13 original colonies, but in today's day and age, who says they can't rewrite history?  Apparently it was a production fault, but regardless - Are you serious?  

2.  AJ's Playhouse this morning:  I know many of you can't catch this morning show, and some people say you shouldn't, but seriously I hear some hilarious shit.  They had their token psychic medium on this morning and it was the speed round (yes or no calls only).  So this girl calls in and, I swear to god, asks "so I have a baby and I'm no longer with my baby daddy, but I am dating this new guy.  Should I try to have a baby with him soon too?"  Are you effing serious?  The psychic was already saying no before she was finished asking the question, granted I thought everyone in the studio/cars listening wanted to come through the phone and slap the girl.  Is that even a legit question?  Are you brain dead or just pathetic?  What is wrong with our society?

It's baaaaaaccccckk......

I know I know this has been very much anticipated, but I have officially decided to bring the blogs back - seriously this time.  I know I said it before but I figured I can do it again and really mean it this time.  Besides major sports figures retire and return after the off season - So I can too, granted I don't get paid millions of dollars a year, if I did - my assistant would be writing these.

Regardless, this time around they are probably going to be more entertaining and I'm going to do my best to protect the innocent.  I'm going to bring out the nicknames for everyone and if you don't like yours, don't do stupid shit so I call you that :)

After so many requests to bring them back, I feel like I should everyone that justice.  Get excited because this is only the beginning.....