"I Hate Other People's Kids"

"I Hate Other People's Kids" by Adrianne Frost is quite possibly the funniest, most honest interpretation of those pesky things that parents love to call "bundles of joy". If you know me well enough, you know that I can't stand kids, and this book hits so many points so well. She touches on the obvious shit that we encounter with other people's kids on a regular basis, but compares the kids to wombats, monkeys and dogs, to name a few. How they smell (like Cheese Nips and feet), how they run around (like wind up toys), how that jabber endlessly (like a skipping record), it's never ending.

My thought on kids: they shouldn't be let out of the house unless they are fully trained. That means, no snot running down their face, or dried and caked for that matter; no stupid costume unless its Halloween (including the ridiculous infant butterfly or dog outfits; they don't know, so don't put them in it); no velcro shoes; no playing in the dirt/sand/oil/reclaimed water; no asking of the same question incessantly; no talking for that matter unless it's intelligent and/or pertaining to what is going on; no tugging at the pants/skirt/shorts/etc; no running, period; no screaming; no crying (I don't care how fast that car hit you); and definitely without a doubt no whining. I don't care how tired/upset/bored you may be, just deal with it and you will go home when mom or dad is damn good and ready.

Those are just my thoughts about the little buggers all parents tell stories about. How great they are, how smart they are, how responsible they are. It's all bullshit. If they were all these things they wouldn't be tearing down that display rack right now nor would they asking "what time are we leaving." That's not responsible and definitely not smart. If they were smart, they would know that I was about to smack they upside the head or trip them on purpose as they come barreling down the hallway. If they were responsible, they would know that when they leave 57 toys around the house, said toys would immediately find the recycling bin and/or the dog's mouth. And if they were great, they would be at home asleep with a babysitter, no calls required.

Frost does touch on the points I mention above, but I decided to have my own rant on them. She also touches briefly on photographs of kids, but I would like to say more. All babies look the same. They look the same in the ultrasound (like a lima bean growing into an oddly shaped dog toy), they look the same coming out (disgusting and foul, no one should see that), and lastly, they look the same once they are born (ugly). No kid is cute when its born. In fact, all newborns have the same characteristics as E.T., no questions asked, except for that baby Pooper and I saw at Broken Yolk that one time, which in its case looked like an emancipated freak alien that should never have been brought out in public because it only receives unnecessary berating comments like those I am disposing right this minute. Back to the point, all those babies are gross, ugly and disgusting; they don't even start to develop non-alien like features until they are at least a year (not 12 months) or older. On that note too, don't tell me they are 27 and a half months; I have no idea what the eff that means. I graduated and have moved on with my life. I don't have time to do the month to year breakdown, granted it's not like I care how old your effing kid is anyway. I probably just asked to humor you, not to hear the answer.

I am closing this rant and rave with an excerpt from the book because I laughed hysterically outloud because we all know these people that do this:

"You don't want to talk to Other People's Kids on the phone. You don't want to talk to your friends while they are dealing with their kids. When you call your friend's house, you wish to talk to him/her on the phone. You dont' say, "Hey is Harry Jr. there? I'd like to hear him gurgle." So much time is wasted as the kid tries to form words and sentences with a parent coaching them in the background. You rarely talk to your mother when she calls, and for the same reasons."