Letter to the Public

To Whom It May Concern:

I have officially deemed myself "Stinky, The Social Guru" because apparently no one can function in social settings and/or get-together's without me organizing it and telling everyone what to do, where to go and what time to be there. It's unbelieveable. And when I don't know about a social gathering, it's like hell has frozen over and no one knows what to do. A million questions get thrown at me like "are you going to be there?" "can you make it?" "are you sure you have time?" Not only that, but even when I do know about the event/get-together, I get a million phone calls the day and night of to verify the exact plans. What is all that about? I don't make plans early, I like to be spontaneous and I like to keep my options open, so yes if I am free then I will be there, if not, tough shit, I am sure the event can still happen. What cracks me up the most is the utter dismay in whomever's voice when I say I didn't know about it. Also the best part is, if I didn't know about, that means the ones that are closest to me apparently don't know about it either and that is just unacceptable. I know we are important and all, but shit. Also, apparently when I am unavailable, my duties get passed on to Pooper, whom (I guess) is Second in Command when it comes to making social decisions and fulfilling appearance requests. She then immediately contacts me for consulting and group decision making.

Therefore, if you have something that requires any of our presence, please contact me so I can filter it down to the rest of the posse because clearly it has to get passed through the Social Guru in order for all to appear. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Stinky, The Social Guru